I was reflecting today on a conversation I had with my wife, Rachel, this weekend while we were in the car taking our daughters for a special treat (Sonic slushes).

We were sharing our sadness with what appears to be a general tendency of people to tear down others… usually behind their backs.

They find something - anything - about someone else to find fault with; their hair is the wrong color, they drink too much, they’re job is lame, they work out too much, or not enough, they talk too much, or they’re too quiet.

Do we not have anything better to do (or talk about) than the perceived shortcomings of others? How much better could we be, could the world be, if we focused on the good in others?

I said to Rachel, “Everyone in this world is broken in different ways and varying degrees, so judging someone who is broken differently or more severely than you is just wrong.” (I should have added, “and a complete waste of time and energy.”)

She decided that was a good Facebook status, so she posted the statement to her profile followed by a one-word question, “Agree?”

She got some interesting feedback, so I am going to pose the same question here and see what you have to say about it.

Everyone in this world is broken in different ways and varying degrees, so judging someone who is broken differently or more severely than you is just wrong. Agree?

Further, do you take the time to understand where someone is coming from (their perspective/paradigm) before drawing conclusions about them or their character? Are you quick to judge and discredit?

There’s a lot here. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Have you ever felt like you knew someone - I mean, really knew someone - trusted them, cared about them, only to have your world turned upside down when you found out that they weren’t at all the person you thought them to be?

Did you then doubt yourself - particularly your judgment? Did you wonder, “am I really that poor a judge of character?”

Sadly, if you’re like me, you probably answered “yes” to most (if not all) of these questions.

As someone who is a staunch advocate of social media and the real-time web and their ability to connect people and ideas from all over the world, I hear words like “authenticity” and “transparency” thrown around all the time as the key elements to “success.” I don’t argue that. In fact, I agree that both are important.

I just question how much “authenticity” and “transparency” there really is - online or in “real life.” Jonathan Fields touched on this topic in a recent blog post: “Is Social Media Killing Authenticity?” He used phrases like “cautiously authentic” and “tactically transparent.” Basically, he admits to editing what he says (and outlines some very valid reasons why) in an attempt to prevent people from taking what he says out of context and turning something benign into a gossip-laden free-for-all.

Jonathan uses social media as the backdrop, but I think the problem goes well beyond social media. It is deeply personal.

For me, authenticity and transparency matter. But, the ultimate trump card is INTEGRITY.

Remember that person you knew, trusted and cared about that knifed you in the back? Me, too. And, I would lay bets that if you stripped everything else away, you’d come to the same conclusion I did. The reason the whole thing went down like it did is because that person ended up showing zero integrity. They said one thing to your face (what you wanted to hear) and then turned around and did or said something in direct contradiction to what they said they would.

I think so many of us want to paint a certain picture of ourselves. a picture of who we want others to think we are, not necessarily who we really are. When we do that, when we operate outside and apart from our core values, (or what Gary Vaynerchuk consistently refers to as “our DNA”) we are operating outside of integrity - we do not live in a manner consistent with what we profess to be about.

Example: Picture a group of people who you can tell really enjoy being around each other. You can tell they’re close. When together, they talk about loving and serving other people, looking out for each other, picking each other up when they are down and how those things make them feel so good. They have really deep conversations, get really philosophical, even emotional. I mean they love all over each other.

Now, imagine that one of the group members falls ill and can’t make it to as many gatherings. Picture that person at home, feeling down, needing nothing more than a short phone call to ask them, “How are you doing?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?” Now, imagine the heartache when the phone doesn’t ring. No knock at the door. No Facebook wall post. No text message. Nothing.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, just wait. Someone will call.” I mean, this person was a member of a group of people that were all about loving and serving others, right. It makes them feel good. But, nothing.

You see, in the group setting, each person may have been authentic - loving and helping people does make a person feel good, after all (try it) - and maybe even transparent with their feelings. But, when it comes down to living it out, they don’t.

Integrity is about doing what you say you’ll do. It’s about being a person whose word means something, has value and credibility.

If you tell one person one thing (usually to try gain approval or validation), then turn around and tell another person something completely different, or worse, breach the first person’s trust (read my previous post, “The Myth of Trust”), you have no integrity.

So, be true to yourself. Value others. Be authentic. Be transparent. But, above all, be a person of integrity.

Because, at the end of the day, having integrity is more important than being liked. Isn’t it?