What are they?

“I’m sorry.”

Those two words are two that you can’t live without - in business or in life. Why? Because there is a 100% chance that you will blow it at some point in your life. You’ll hurt someone’s feelings, miss a deadline, break something you borrowed. 100% chance.

And, when those times come, you must be armed with a sincere, “I’m sorry.”

There is a general tendency for people to cast blame, deflect responsibility, or flat our lie when something goes wrong. The most respected people (at least in my eyes) are the ones who are willing to step up, take ownership, say “I’m sorry” and take steps to make things right and learn from the experience.

So, when the opportunity arises and you feel the urge to find an excuse or a scapegoat. Don’t.

Stand up. Speak up. And, say, “I’m sorry.”

Have you ever felt like you knew someone - I mean, really knew someone - trusted them, cared about them, only to have your world turned upside down when you found out that they weren’t at all the person you thought them to be?

Did you then doubt yourself - particularly your judgment? Did you wonder, “am I really that poor a judge of character?”

Sadly, if you’re like me, you probably answered “yes” to most (if not all) of these questions.

As someone who is a staunch advocate of social media and the real-time web and their ability to connect people and ideas from all over the world, I hear words like “authenticity” and “transparency” thrown around all the time as the key elements to “success.” I don’t argue that. In fact, I agree that both are important.

I just question how much “authenticity” and “transparency” there really is - online or in “real life.” Jonathan Fields touched on this topic in a recent blog post: “Is Social Media Killing Authenticity?” He used phrases like “cautiously authentic” and “tactically transparent.” Basically, he admits to editing what he says (and outlines some very valid reasons why) in an attempt to prevent people from taking what he says out of context and turning something benign into a gossip-laden free-for-all.

Jonathan uses social media as the backdrop, but I think the problem goes well beyond social media. It is deeply personal.

For me, authenticity and transparency matter. But, the ultimate trump card is INTEGRITY.

Remember that person you knew, trusted and cared about that knifed you in the back? Me, too. And, I would lay bets that if you stripped everything else away, you’d come to the same conclusion I did. The reason the whole thing went down like it did is because that person ended up showing zero integrity. They said one thing to your face (what you wanted to hear) and then turned around and did or said something in direct contradiction to what they said they would.

I think so many of us want to paint a certain picture of ourselves. a picture of who we want others to think we are, not necessarily who we really are. When we do that, when we operate outside and apart from our core values, (or what Gary Vaynerchuk consistently refers to as “our DNA”) we are operating outside of integrity - we do not live in a manner consistent with what we profess to be about.

Example: Picture a group of people who you can tell really enjoy being around each other. You can tell they’re close. When together, they talk about loving and serving other people, looking out for each other, picking each other up when they are down and how those things make them feel so good. They have really deep conversations, get really philosophical, even emotional. I mean they love all over each other.

Now, imagine that one of the group members falls ill and can’t make it to as many gatherings. Picture that person at home, feeling down, needing nothing more than a short phone call to ask them, “How are you doing?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?” Now, imagine the heartache when the phone doesn’t ring. No knock at the door. No Facebook wall post. No text message. Nothing.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, just wait. Someone will call.” I mean, this person was a member of a group of people that were all about loving and serving others, right. It makes them feel good. But, nothing.

You see, in the group setting, each person may have been authentic - loving and helping people does make a person feel good, after all (try it) - and maybe even transparent with their feelings. But, when it comes down to living it out, they don’t.

Integrity is about doing what you say you’ll do. It’s about being a person whose word means something, has value and credibility.

If you tell one person one thing (usually to try gain approval or validation), then turn around and tell another person something completely different, or worse, breach the first person’s trust (read my previous post, “The Myth of Trust”), you have no integrity.

So, be true to yourself. Value others. Be authentic. Be transparent. But, above all, be a person of integrity.

Because, at the end of the day, having integrity is more important than being liked. Isn’t it?

Most of us have that “one person” who we trust implicitly; we tell them our deepest secrets, fears, dreams and troubles. We know “they won’t tell anyone.”

Think of who that person is for you. Picture them in your mind.

Now, think about this for a minute. You trust that person, but did you ever stop to think that she has that “one person,” too?

It goes something like this:

You think, “Oh, I can tell Sarah. She’s not going to tell anyone.”

Sarah thinks, “Wow! I know she told me not to tell anyone, but I trust Jennifer. I know she won’t tell anyone.” (Sarah tells Jennifer, in confidence of course.)

Jennifer thinks, “Oh, my goodness! I know Sarah told me not to say anything, but I trust Amy. She won’t tell anyone.” (Jennifer tells Amy… again, in confidence.)

You get the idea.

Your “one person” may not think of you as their “one person.” It spins out of control quickly and your secret is now the talk of the town. You can’t figure out why. Or maybe you can - Sarah told someone - and you are devastated, your relationship forever damaged.

I’ve seen it happen over and over again. It’s painful to see.

So, am I writing this so that you’ll never talk to anyone again? No. So that you’ll question all of your friends and relationships? Again, no.

Early on in my career, my mentor and boss John Love sat me down and explained that I would be privy to highly sensitive information from multi-billion dollar companies followed by the assurance that if he ever found out that any of this information was leaked and tracked back to me - well, let’s just say it wouldn’t be pleasant. I worked for a public relations firm in the Detroit area at the time.

I still remember John’s words, “Assume that everything you hear is confidential unless it is explicitly stated otherwise.” (John was a lawyer, too, if you couldn’t tell by his wording!)

That lesson has stuck with me ever since… in every relationship I maintain.

In the age of “authenticity” and “transparency,” I think there are times when people over share and are guilty of breaching trust, even if it is unintentional.

So, the reason I wrote this post was to give you food for thought, to provide a friendly reminder that part of building trust or to becoming what Chris Brogan and Julien Smith call a Trust Agent (affiliate link) is knowing when to shut your mouth and assume confidentiality.

You and your relationships will be much better off when you learn that trust is built as much by what you share as by what you choose not to.

I penned this post while flying somewhere over New York, Pennsylvania or Ohio on my return from the 140 Characters Conference in NYC in late April. Now that some time has elapsed, I think it’s perfect timing to share the impact the event had on me in the hours immediately after.

——-

I am now cruising at 36,000 feet somewhere above New York watching a gleaming sun slowly fade into the evening sky. It’s beautiful; the clouds below look like towering snowy mountains – an aerial landscape that will last only for a short time.

This seems a bit like a metaphor for the 140 Characters Conference that I attended over the course of the last two days. It was beautiful, only lasted a short time and has finally come to a close. However, it is far from complete.

If there is one thing that I took away from my experience at #140conf, it is this: the relationships formed will endure long after the closing remarks have been made. At least they should.

There were so many brilliant minds concentrated in one area – people with minds for business and hearts for people. I’ll make the argument that it is the latter more than the former that makes what Jeff Pulver has created such a powerful event.

Many of the speakers and panelists talked about the importance of being authentic and transparent. We hear these words being thrown around so often that I fear they might lose they’re impact, but at the same time, through the interactions I had at the conference, it is apparent that many - if not most - of the attendees embrace these two traits.

What struck me was the diversity of people in attendance and the absolute connectedness of them all as a community. I met with people who run multiple multi-million dollar businesses, people who have spent time in prison, people who have been abused, people who love to talk, some who are so shy they’d like to hide in a corner somewhere (but didn’t!). I met people of many races and places: people from New York, Georgia, California, Illinois, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Florida, Georgia, Virginia, Tennessee, Texas, and as far away as Israel! But they all came to do one thing: share themselves with each other.

Some people were there to help others, some were there to discover themselves.

The incredible part about all of it is that it was all happening in real-time, enabled by “new” technology.

I came into the #140conf with the idea that there would be a lot of “how to” type presentations, a lot of “look what I did” speeches and quite a bit of focus on emerging technology. While there was certainly some new technology being discussed, it was always about the “why” behind the technology, not about the technology itself or how beautifully architectured it was.

The takeaway: People matter. People care.

And the #140conf participants represented humanity well.