Have you ever felt like you knew someone - I mean, really knew someone - trusted them, cared about them, only to have your world turned upside down when you found out that they weren’t at all the person you thought them to be?

Did you then doubt yourself - particularly your judgment? Did you wonder, “am I really that poor a judge of character?”

Sadly, if you’re like me, you probably answered “yes” to most (if not all) of these questions.

As someone who is a staunch advocate of social media and the real-time web and their ability to connect people and ideas from all over the world, I hear words like “authenticity” and “transparency” thrown around all the time as the key elements to “success.” I don’t argue that. In fact, I agree that both are important.

I just question how much “authenticity” and “transparency” there really is - online or in “real life.” Jonathan Fields touched on this topic in a recent blog post: “Is Social Media Killing Authenticity?” He used phrases like “cautiously authentic” and “tactically transparent.” Basically, he admits to editing what he says (and outlines some very valid reasons why) in an attempt to prevent people from taking what he says out of context and turning something benign into a gossip-laden free-for-all.

Jonathan uses social media as the backdrop, but I think the problem goes well beyond social media. It is deeply personal.

For me, authenticity and transparency matter. But, the ultimate trump card is INTEGRITY.

Remember that person you knew, trusted and cared about that knifed you in the back? Me, too. And, I would lay bets that if you stripped everything else away, you’d come to the same conclusion I did. The reason the whole thing went down like it did is because that person ended up showing zero integrity. They said one thing to your face (what you wanted to hear) and then turned around and did or said something in direct contradiction to what they said they would.

I think so many of us want to paint a certain picture of ourselves. a picture of who we want others to think we are, not necessarily who we really are. When we do that, when we operate outside and apart from our core values, (or what Gary Vaynerchuk consistently refers to as “our DNA”) we are operating outside of integrity - we do not live in a manner consistent with what we profess to be about.

Example: Picture a group of people who you can tell really enjoy being around each other. You can tell they’re close. When together, they talk about loving and serving other people, looking out for each other, picking each other up when they are down and how those things make them feel so good. They have really deep conversations, get really philosophical, even emotional. I mean they love all over each other.

Now, imagine that one of the group members falls ill and can’t make it to as many gatherings. Picture that person at home, feeling down, needing nothing more than a short phone call to ask them, “How are you doing?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?” Now, imagine the heartache when the phone doesn’t ring. No knock at the door. No Facebook wall post. No text message. Nothing.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, just wait. Someone will call.” I mean, this person was a member of a group of people that were all about loving and serving others, right. It makes them feel good. But, nothing.

You see, in the group setting, each person may have been authentic - loving and helping people does make a person feel good, after all (try it) - and maybe even transparent with their feelings. But, when it comes down to living it out, they don’t.

Integrity is about doing what you say you’ll do. It’s about being a person whose word means something, has value and credibility.

If you tell one person one thing (usually to try gain approval or validation), then turn around and tell another person something completely different, or worse, breach the first person’s trust (read my previous post, “The Myth of Trust”), you have no integrity.

So, be true to yourself. Value others. Be authentic. Be transparent. But, above all, be a person of integrity.

Because, at the end of the day, having integrity is more important than being liked. Isn’t it?

Most of us have that “one person” who we trust implicitly; we tell them our deepest secrets, fears, dreams and troubles. We know “they won’t tell anyone.”

Think of who that person is for you. Picture them in your mind.

Now, think about this for a minute. You trust that person, but did you ever stop to think that she has that “one person,” too?

It goes something like this:

You think, “Oh, I can tell Sarah. She’s not going to tell anyone.”

Sarah thinks, “Wow! I know she told me not to tell anyone, but I trust Jennifer. I know she won’t tell anyone.” (Sarah tells Jennifer, in confidence of course.)

Jennifer thinks, “Oh, my goodness! I know Sarah told me not to say anything, but I trust Amy. She won’t tell anyone.” (Jennifer tells Amy… again, in confidence.)

You get the idea.

Your “one person” may not think of you as their “one person.” It spins out of control quickly and your secret is now the talk of the town. You can’t figure out why. Or maybe you can - Sarah told someone - and you are devastated, your relationship forever damaged.

I’ve seen it happen over and over again. It’s painful to see.

So, am I writing this so that you’ll never talk to anyone again? No. So that you’ll question all of your friends and relationships? Again, no.

Early on in my career, my mentor and boss John Love sat me down and explained that I would be privy to highly sensitive information from multi-billion dollar companies followed by the assurance that if he ever found out that any of this information was leaked and tracked back to me - well, let’s just say it wouldn’t be pleasant. I worked for a public relations firm in the Detroit area at the time.

I still remember John’s words, “Assume that everything you hear is confidential unless it is explicitly stated otherwise.” (John was a lawyer, too, if you couldn’t tell by his wording!)

That lesson has stuck with me ever since… in every relationship I maintain.

In the age of “authenticity” and “transparency,” I think there are times when people over share and are guilty of breaching trust, even if it is unintentional.

So, the reason I wrote this post was to give you food for thought, to provide a friendly reminder that part of building trust or to becoming what Chris Brogan and Julien Smith call a Trust Agent (affiliate link) is knowing when to shut your mouth and assume confidentiality.

You and your relationships will be much better off when you learn that trust is built as much by what you share as by what you choose not to.